Friday, September 11, 2015

College Countdown: One Week Before Move-in Day

- one week before move-in day -

Everyone on my college Facebook page just want to move into the dorms to start their college life with full force.

People on the FB page:

"Ugh summer is so boring! I can't wait to move in!"

"I can't wait to be on my own!! Excited to meet yall!!"

"All my friends are gone and I just want to start school already..."

"Uh...why can't it be Sept. blah blah?"

For some unknown reason, my school system starts a good month later compared to other schools, which is why everyone is so impatient. While their friends have already gone through the process of meeting roommates, decorating dorms, and sludging through classes, we're still on the summer schedule.

But while everyone's impatient, I'm the complete opposite.

Summer has become this drug to fuel my lazy ass into lounging around like a drowsy satisfied pug that rolls around all day. I can eat whenever I want, write whenever I want, and watch youtube vlogs whenever I want. Actually, for the last few weeks my parents have gone to work and brothers have been at school so I felt like some happy stay at home mom.

So instead of feeling excited at the thought of independence/college/experiences, I feel so reluctant.

I guess it's a mix of nerves with an overwhelming desire to stay at home. But I just don't want to go to college yet. Because:

1. I don't want to deal with any work

   - Schoolwork sucks ass. Studying sucks. Planning sucks. Tests suck. But we all know this.

2. I don't want to leave my home (I'm moving up yo. Literally.)

   - I live in Southern California and it's so fantastic down here. I love it so much. I'm 20 minutes away from the beach, 1 away from L.A., 2 hours away from San Diego, and most of all I'm 0 minutes away from my family. I've only recently started exploring.

  - My parents never really gave me the freedom to see the cool places in southern California & I hate that I have to leave it. I feel like there's so much to discover. And after 13 years of living near the beach, this summer was the only summer that I was brave enough to even get deeper into the water.

-Damn I love waves.

-And a little secret that I don't tell anyone: I'm a little disappointed in what college I'm going to. I don't want to name the college (maybe later on), but I always assumed I would stay in a college near my home so I could stay in my town (or is it a city? a suburb? I don't know). I don't feel passionate about my school.

It was a decision that went "Well shit, I didn't get into any school that I really wanted, and this one's the best I guess."

So combine not wanting to leave Socal, and not really liking my school = lack of excitement.

3. Hell-o responsibility

  -I'm going to have to take care of myself. My parents aren't around anymore. I can't go home every weekend and ask them to help me with my laundry. My mom can't cook for me every once in a while. I'm on my own and that scares the shit out of me. Sort of. I know I'm capable of doing things on my own but it's still not pleasant to realize that I'm growing the fuck up.

-I'm physically, mentally, and financially responsible for myself. Completely. Damn.

-Oh extra little thing, one excuse I love to use as to why I'm not prepared or ready to go to college: I'm too young! I use this excuse on my mom all the time. I'm 17 while most people are 18 when they go to college (oooh young by a couple months wow!!.) And I always tell her: "I'm not mentally prepared for college. If you didn't enroll me a year early, I'd still be in high school!!".

I don't know, I look really young, and I know I'm not even 18 yet, so I'm technically a minor, and I feel a little inferior with that in mind. I can't even take my damn license test yet damn it I don't drive.

4. Uh...friends?

   -Ever since senior year, making friends and trying to fit in has become exhausting. I'll have another post about how senior year kind of messed up with how I perceive myself and how I socialize. I used to be extremely excited about the prospect of meeting new people and introducing myself, becoming who I want to be.

I'm not completely hopeless in social situations. I think I can hold up pretty well. But I can still see myself overthinking, trying my best to get people to like me, trying to think of something interesting, and beating myself up over small things.

Of course people say: It's different in college. No one gives a fuck. Be yourself.

And I guess I'm ready for that aspect. But god I'm already tired with imagining myself socializing.

5. I'm kind of scared

    -Change always frazzles me up. Sometimes I get hyped for change, but most of the time I've come to realize that I can't adapt very well. In middle school, one of my best friends moved away and it took me so long to adapt to having her gone, that it went to the point where it was actually pretty difficult to express myself and make new friends. It took a good year to become more comfortable with myself without her around. (She actually becomes a beautiful social butterfly without me- which I am very proud of & I still cheer her on like a second mother).

I'm moving to a college 8 hours away, which might not seem as far as you would think, but I'm so emotionally attached to my family that this might be something really difficult. I joke around with my friends every know and then that my mom's my best friend, but she really is. I know some of you can probably relate to this, but it's just difficult thinking about leaving my entire family behind. I love their support and the fact that I can see them every day.

And I know that, as dramatic as it may sound, things won't really be the same anymore. Things can't go back to where I'll see my parents everyday after school, and it's small and not that big of a deal, but as I've said, I'm attached to my family.

But, while I'm terrified and reluctant as hell, I know that I have to get ready. I have to get rid of this attitude, get the fuck back up, and deal with it. Everyone grows up, whether or not it's by going to college, or by getting a job, or pursuing whatever the hell they please, and that's life.

I think I need to leave my hometown for a while in order to grow. To get out of my comfort zone that has been so small and isolating. The world is large, and I know that. It's funny actually, because I live in an area where they say kids live in this "bubble". Where nothing from the outside world really happens to affect them, and that's true. The people here deal with whatever is going on within a 40 mile radius.

I'm really insecure about how I hold myself, and what choices I make. So college might be the step that I need to step up.

So as of now, the only thing I'm excited about is...seeing my dorm I guess. I'll hang onto that thought until I come up with a new set of things to be excited about. Until I make a list of fabulous things that I love in my new home, and my new life.

I'll keep you guys posted and see what happens.

-one week before move-in day-

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