I like to think that I "lack direction" versus I "lack motivation".
The very first day of summer, I applied for all the open jobs less than a mile away from my home. This was because I still don't have a driver's license thanks to that mandatory $300 6-hour driving class they make you take (if you're a minor in the US).
I spent an entire week hunting down those minimum wage jobs and filling out repetitive resume's only to be ignored by all 7 work places that I applied to. I was highly offended. I felt like a newly dumped ex-girlfriend.
"What did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? What does she have that I don't have?"
Well according to my measly resume, I knew that my weak bout's of "volunteer hours" and "incredible organization skills" probably made the employers snort at my application right before they tossed it out the window.
My point is, I was very motivated. Did I execute my job hunting appropriately? Probably not. I created my resume in less than an hour and submitted everything in less than thirty minutes. This is why I like to think I lack direction. I put my heart on something I want to do, and I pursue something very passionately, but I pursue the things I want to do wrongly. I spend my energy on the wrong parts of whatever I'm doing and I end up- eh. That's it, I don't end with a BANG! I end with an eh.
I spent days upon days looking for the job that I wanted.
1. No fast food places (god who want's to smell like grease?)
2. Can't be far (don't want my poor parents driving me everywhere)
3. I don't want to work on Tuesdays or the weekends (I had piano lessons okay. Don't judge. Plus I love weekends.)
But when it came to the core of the application process (uh, the application) I schmoozed. I cruised. And I ultimately came out bruised.
So basically my application had a girl with no job experience, who was still a minor, that wanted Tuesday's and the weekends off.
Who am I, the Queen of England?
The unfortunate failure of finding the perfect summer job bummed me out because several things:
1. I'm going to college and I need money. A lot of money as most of you are familiar with.
2. What am I seriously not good enough to stock supplies? Really? Seriously?
3. My god do I need money.
And so that led to my downward spiral of lounging on my couch for a couple weeks bitterly imagining the piles of money I would have made stocking supplies in the local grocery store. I was more sad than bitter honestly.
A direct quote from my journal:
"I am incredibly sad that I didn't get called back for any job <3 :) :("
And thus, the Pre-College Guilt was born. Now, I'm not saying that you need to fail at something in order to feel pre-college guilt. All it takes the thought of attending college to feel pre-college guilt.
Because after that summer job "I'm-now-an-unemployed-never-been-employed-bum" fiasco, there was an ugly bullet train of guilt and shame that crushed my body and made me feel guilty about:
Cash Money
The largest component of my pre-college guilt is the thought of my parents spending thousands of dollars on me. Surprise surprise, a college kid concerned about finances & bills, can we move on now?
I can't help it.
I'm sure all the other kids out there have similar stories of watching their parents struggle to make rent etc. etc.
But every time I need to buy something for my dorm (why the hell are some bed sheets over 80 bucks?), or every time I need to ask my dad to scrape up some dough to pay my tuition bill, I cringe, and my heart drops. And my brain goes: "Way to go you selfish wench, that $700 could have bought so much meat!"
And I haven't even entered the horrors of buying textbooks yet lord help me. (I'm gonna pdf the heck out of textbooks I swear).
And guess who got a used MacBook?
This girl!
B-but, you just mentioned how guilty you felt about spending money, buying MacBook would be wasteful and unnecessary!!
Yes. True. And holy moly the guilt is strong. I'm going to college and I need to save money, but I've been groaning about my hp laptop and how slow/large/heavy it is. I swear that laptop is made from the devil himself in order to torcher me.
But, I already made the decision to stick with it until I could personally afford to get a new laptop for myself (after I graduate from college and get a stable job ten years from now).
But my father has this mentality that if he doesn't buy the things we want we'll be forever unhappy-which is not the case. Of course he decides to hunt some poor guy on craigslist (who was a college guy that had an obsession with protein shakes apparently), and haggle him for a bit until he bought the mac off of him.
So here I am, guiltily using my old bulky Hp, afraid to even touch the MacBook. Owning one of these sleek 1k apple products is an ultimate teenage girl's fantasy & I'm dying.
Dying of shame and guilt, but also dying of happiness. Mostly guilt. Every time I spend something I think: If I only had a summer job I could've bought this myself.
Toxic, toxic thinking.
( Once while shopping, I asked myself if socks were even necessary to survive.
Fortunately, I forked over seven dollars and bought the damn socks. )
The Tired Father, and the Old Mother
House work sucks. Washing dishes sucks. Laundry sucks. Cleaning up after my two brothers suck. But the thought of not being able to help my parents deal with my brothers and housework makes me feel guilty as hell. (Am I a saint or what?)
My mother gave me a blessing in disguise while I was in high school and never really asked me to do chores in order to focus on schoolwork. I realize now that my mother is getting older, and washing dishes are probably literally painful.
My father works all day (woo three jobs!), just like a large chunk of other fathers out there. (Holla at them kids who never see their dad!). Sometimes I believe that his soul has been sucked out by his bosses & he's just a robotic shell.
Anyway, I feel like a giant turd on a turd mountain. I have to leave my family and I get to live for just myself. And it doesn't help that I'm extremely close to them like a coffee stain on a brand new white polo.
Sigh.
Plot Twist: My Family's Moving
My family just got kicked out of our rented house.
A house that we've cooped ourselves up in for the last nine years until the owners finally decided to renovate the damn place. I swear the house has been falling apart for years & it's only now that they've decided to do something about it.
I feel like someone up in the clouds went:
"Hmn, daaamn this family looks like they're going through life a bit too swimmingly. What can we do to frazzle another financially struggling middle class family? Oh hella hella yeah, let's make these people move!"
And guess when the moving date is set? The end of this month. And guess when I'm leaving for college?
Before the end of this month.
So who get's to do the unbearable chore of sorting through piles of junk, packing boxes, and moving
all the crap from one house to an apartment?
My parent's and younger brothers.
I wish I could do something about the situation, but all I can give them are cute smiles and lines of encouragement.
"Oh I'm sure it'll be fine. You guys will get used to it! It's only temporary! I swear, it won't be that bad!"
When in reality I'm really thinking:
"Haha holy crap it's gonna be so hard to adjust into a smaller space where it's farther away from both of my brothers' schools. Man parking is gonna suck. Moving is gonna suck because we have to lose half of our possessions since none of it will fit. Man I'm so sorry I can't help ahah."
But then again, when life attacks you, you fight back.
Is it unfortunate that my family has to go through this the same time we're trying to get myself through college: Yes.
Is it unfortunate that I feel a large amount of guilt about it: Yes.
Will moping about my guilt help?: Somewhat. Releasing emotions= healthy.
So while the guilt builds every single day (thank god for vines because that is how I forget about the tedious matters in life), I remember to breathe and live.
We gotta live through all the crappy feelings and push through to let the good feelings shine!
^Disgusting line but it's 84% true. Or else we'd all be insane if we thought about all the guilt and troubles right?
So if you're experiencing Pre-College Guilt Syndrome, that's totally normal. I think. I'm sure. Just google "I'm going to college and I feel guilty about the money we're gonna spend."
And if you feel gross about college: Go see a friend, talk to that friend, hug that friend, and smile. Or hug your mom. Or dad. Or dog! (or any pet. animals are beautiful. Cat's might judge but they're still beautiful.)
Remember unsure and insecure college kids, we're all in this together.
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